A Shadow of Doubt

By Scott Coner

Country Artist

            It happened again to me today. Out of nowhere, a shadow of doubt grabbed hold of my mind. Shadows are sneaky in the way they fly around and show up uninvited and unannounced. I have always believed these pesky little varmints are sent up from the bowels of hell. They cause confusion and doubt. They too often cause us to challenge ourselves and sometimes even the ones we care about most. I’m not so sure that the best thing to do when this siege of darkness arrives isn’t to stop whatever it is we are doing and pray. Yeah, I know I’m a little bit old-school. But I believe in crying out to God. I believe that I am weak, possibly a little bit light-headed, and I know I need all of the help I can get from On High.

            So, there I was innocently sweeping out the barn near the horse stalls. I began to wonder what in the world it was I’m doing or trying to prove when it comes to my music. “You are such a fool. Nobody cares what you think, or write about. Nashville wants younger, good-looking people. You have already been told this by the professionals, and this is not new news.”

            I stopped sweeping for a minute and stared at the concrete floor. I leaned up against the back of the barn doorway leading out to the pasture and considered this for quite a while. I could see a hawk displaying his powerful wings at the bottom of the field near the creek. I could feel doubt begin to run through me like warm water. “Maybe I am crazy,” I thought to myself, “but I have put so much work and time into this. It’s what I am. It’s what I do. I didn’t choose this. It chose me.”

Scott Coner (Photo by Cynnamae Media Productions)

            I caught myself at that moment. I realized what had happened. I called on God to take care of those little doubts and went on with my business of cleaning out the barn. You see, I don’t play or write to impress people. I don’t live for something as fleeting as someone else endorsing what I do. Music and songwriting just happens to be what I do. By the very nature of itself, I find myself being put in front of people and allowing them to critique my every word. Every chord. Every song. But, as I gather my thoughts, I remember how this business of music makes me feel. The emotion that goes into writing a song can’t hardly be described. But, to me it is not unlike the moment you see the Grand Canyon or the ocean for the first time. It’s jubilant.

            As I write this blog, there is a teacher out there somewhere staring at an empty classroom wondering how in the world she can help her kids learn. She feels the shadow of doubt. Across that same town, there is a nurse compelled to crying all alone as she feels the hurt of some young family that just received the news about their ailing child. She wants to help. She wants to say something of value. But there are no words for this moment in time. She feels the shadow of doubt.

            Maybe you are the one that this article speaks to as the sun begins to fall and the day is nearly over. Maybe, you feel alone and doubtful. Maybe you wonder if the man you gave your heart to loves you as much as you love him. Maybe you looked in the mirror today and saw a slightly older face, or a little bit more gray in your hair. Just know that this is not what you really see. This is not what you really wonder. This is a full-frontal attack of doubt. Make no mistake about that. 

  Scott Coner's music video "Sanibel"

            We all walk the same roads I suppose. We all have so much to give, but often we don’t know how. We have something to say that someone else needs to hear, but we can’t find the words. We all have a song to write. Songs don’t always get written with guitars. They don’t always show up in perfect harmony. I know this because I have heard those types of songs before. I have heard my wife tell me she’ll love me until the end of time. I have heard my daughters tell me they love me. I have heard my mom tell me she loves me over the phone. There was no music when this happened. But, oddly enough, these have been the sweetest songs I have ever heard. Don’t allow the devil to stop you from what you need to do. You have something to offer. Tell the people you love just how much they mean to you. Allow your words to sound like a band of angels coming down. Grab your broom and sweep those doubts into the darkest closet you can find, and lock it with the promises of heaven.  Self-doubt has no power over you.       

         Scott Coner is a country singer-songwriter who has worked in the studio with legendary artists such as Tanya Tucker, T. Graham Brown and Charlie Daniels. You can learn more about him and hear his music at www.Facebook.com/ScottConerMusic, www.YouTube.com/user/ScottConer, and www.ScottConer.com. Follow Scott at www.Twitter.com/ScottConer.